Or at least drew Tybalt. The picture complexes me to say the least. My hair is not that long. It isn’t my costume. I am NOT 4.6ft (thank you very much!) The kid offered this to me after sketching it for the whole first half of the show. IMG_5240 (1)

I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say the entire tour. Perhaps that is the result of feeling I don’t have a ton to contribute.

I’ve admired the people I’ve been around for all four years of my training very much. I am honored to walk among them, and also proud that I’ve put up work on the same level as theirs. We’ve gotten very close, and even closer of over the course of the tour. Though I often feel like the world here spins without me on it, as it should. But I crave the feeling of being needed and wanted in the cogs of any machine. I crave responsibility. And those wheels turn with or without me. Therefore, lately it sometimes feels I have no place to fit into the cogs that move with or without me.

A lot of me in Romeo and Juliet is me sitting on a bench waiting to come on. There’s something to learn from every show of course, so I’m not complaining. And don’t get me wrong, I love and feel very proud of the work I’ve done every moment I am on stage. But the time on that bench feels long even within an hour. I would never claim salt in my casting however, because I could not cast the shows better than they are. Though I would be lying not to admit frustration at the amount of time I sit idly waiting to come on stage. Some teachers and directors would argue that it shouldn’t be waiting, it should be focused engagement. Besides the fact that I can barely ever sit still, focused engagement over time begins to lose its magic as you see the same thing again and again.

However, whenever we have an audience truly, truly engaged, whenever there is a huge laugh, whenever a huge reaction at a slap or cut, whenever a genuine reaction to our work, it feeds me even on that bench and moves me from waiting to come on for twenty lines to an active member of the ensemble.

The bottom line is being in present time and out of your head is the only way to work. The only way to work, period. This has been the most valuable semester of training in that we can fully respond situation by situation and extrovert our attention according to the situations at hand. This applies to theatre work, film work, whatever the work. The three lessons I’ve learned have been the most important advice I can give to an actor from all four years of being here.

When an audience/situation is responding horribly and apparently evilly, work it for yourself. Flourish and prosper. Live well. You won’t beat them in volume, but you can beat them in how you respond to it. Let their ignorance feed you. You are Muhammad Ali fighting in unfriendly territory, but you will get yours. Perhaps they will begin to listen when your scenes begin. It says a lot about life itself, the way people respond to your work as an actor. Perhaps we can act any way we please. Perhaps we shouldn’t care what people think unless they prove themselves as people worthy of you.

When an audience/situation is not responding at all, we do it for each other. When your group has an important mission, like our company, you develop a pretty damn strong bond. I’ve been friends with all these people all four years, but I’ve never been closer to them. We support them when they stumble. We support them when they’re doing amazing. The support never ends, and we will get our mission: At least one kid inspired, at least one kid angry about the divide of the times, at least one kid who wants to be an actor now…at least one kid who sees that the same love a female Romeo and Juliet could feel is the same love anyone could feel.

When an audience/situation is responding beautifully…do it for them. Because then you’re just doing your true job, providing them with dreams. Dreams of being an actor, of loving who they want, of a world without hate.

Tybalt is not in the play a lot. When he is, he is a catalyst of violence, of hate, of death. But his hate comes from love, as all hate does, love and loyalty to his family. My way in for Tybalt was to recognize my hate for certain political figures and celebrities, comes from loyalty to disenfranchised groups they attack. Bitterness toward friends who wronged me, or exes, comes from loyalty to myself. That is how Tybalt sees the Montagues, and confidently goes after them day by day to get the justice and true world he seeks. Tybalt dreams. It may be a nightmare to some, but the Prince of Cats dreams.

A kid drew me today. But it was his own vision of Tybalt after watching a bit of our Romeo and Juliet. Maybe he thought thats what I look like. Maybe he wanted to make fun of a short friend. Maybe he was making fun of me. Maybe his friend played Tybalt and that’s how he remembered it. Maybe he dreamed up some version of Tybalt he wanted after watching a bit of the show. But he saw me, received it and responded with a pretty decent drawing. And honestly? People drawing, cosplaying, fanwriting or simply just making something out of something I created is the reason I do this. His friend sitting next to him remarked how much she really understood everything that was going on. He said the same thing. Nice. Maybe it is fan-art.

It’s the first time anyone ever created art out of something I created. Sure it’s small, minimal effort. It’s not anything that will change anything. But it still meant a lot to me, someone who sometimes feels like a smaller cog in the wheel and fears it. Every wheel keeps the machine moving, every villain is someone’s favorite character. To some you’re the biggest wheel, to some you’re a forgotten wheel.

All in all we create dreams. Ugh. Here I go. “Shall we dream?”

Whatever. I’ll say it. A culture is only as great as it’s dreams. And those dreams are dreamed by artists.

I really love our group. As well as the future artists we may or may not be making.

Love you, too.

Con